i am more amazed than ever. how the fuck can anybody by this crap?

you can always count on the Onion



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Scientology Losing Ground To New Fictionology

LOS ANGELES—According to a report released Monday by the American Institute of Religions, the Church of Scientology, once one of the fastest-growing religious organizations in the U.S., is steadily losing members to the much newer religion Fictionology.

"Unlike Scientology, which is based on empirically verifiable scientific tenets, Fictionology's central principles are essentially fairy tales with no connection to reality," the AIR report read. "In short, Fictionology offers its followers a mythical belief system free from the cumbersome scientific method to which Scientology is hidebound."

Created in 2003 by self-proclaimed messiah Bud Don Ellroy, Fictionology's principles were first outlined in the self-help paperback Imaginetics: The New Pipe-Dream Of Modern Mental Make-Believe.

Fictionology's central belief, that any imaginary construct can be incorporated into the church's ever-growing set of official doctrines, continues to gain popularity. Believers in Santa Claus, his elves, or the Tooth Fairy are permitted—even encouraged—to view them as deities. Even corporate mascots like the Kool-Aid Man are valid objects of Fictionological worship.

"My personal savior is Batman," said Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Greg Jurgenson. "My wife chooses to follow the teachings of the Gilmore Girls. Of course, we are still beginners. Some advanced-level Fictionologists have total knowledge of every lifetime they have ever lived for the last 80 trillion years."

"Sure, it's total bullshit," Jurgenson added. "But that's Fictionology. Praise Batman!"

While the Church of Fictionology acknowledges that its purported worldwide membership of 450 billion is an invented number, the AIR report estimates that as many as 70 percent of the church's followers are former Scientologists.

Church of Scientology public-relations spokesman Al Kurz said he was "shocked" when he learned that Fictionology is approaching the popularity of his religion.

"Scientology is rooted in strict scientific principles, such as the measurement of engrams in the brain by the E-Meter," Kurz said. "Scientology uses strictly scientific methodologies to undo the damage done 75 million years ago by the Galactic Confederation's evil warlord Xenu—we offer our preclear followers procedures to erase overts in the reactive mind. Conversely, Fictionology is essentially just a bunch of make-believe nonsense."

Hollywood actor David McSavage, who converted to Fictionology last year, attempted to explain.

"Scientology can only offer data, such as how an Operating Thetan can control matter, energy, space, and time with pure thought alone," McSavage said. "But truly spiritual people don't care about data, especially those seeking an escape from very real physical, mental, or emotional problems."

McSavage added, "As a Fictionologist, I live in a world of pretend. It's liberating."

A tax-exempt organization, the Church of Fictionology stands poised to become a great moneymaking power if it continues to grow at its current rate—a situation Kurz called "outrageous."

"In recruiting new members, Fictionology preys on the gullible with fanciful stories and simple-minded solutions," Kurz said. "Fictionology is depriving legitimate churches of the revenue they need to carry out charitable works worldwide—important charitable works like clearing the planet of body-thetan implants."

Praise Batman!

The Affirmation for May 12, 2005

A little more of L. Ron's genius...

BEINGNESS Part II
by L. Ron Hubbard

The most important factors involved in thought or the material universe are the subdivisions of thought itself. These subdivisions are affinity, reality, and communication. There are three parts of thought; there are three parts of life; there are three parts of living. And it makes a very interesting triangle.

Imagine a circle up here. You talk about a symbol; this is a timeless symbol. Although Dianetics has never existed before on the time track evidently, this symbol has existed there. This symbol must come from practically the beginning of all time.

Here is a circle and inside the circle is a triangle, and inside the triangle at the top is the figure infinity and at the bottom is a zero.

You should remark that symbol fairly well. The big circle could stand for the universe, perfection, completion or the continuation of time after the end of time. In other words, time ends and begins at the same point.

Now, you have the triangle. At the top of this triangle we have affinity, over at this corner of the triangle we have reality, and over this corner we have communication. Then we have the infinity mark at the top, and at the bottom of the triangle we have a zero.

You all remember Shakespeare's quotation: "To be or not to be, that is the question."

The infinity is beingness, or "to be". The zero is "not to be". Zero and infinity, so far as the universe is concerned, are the same thing.

Thought is all or thought is nothing. A facsimile or an independent thought could exist on the head of a pin.

The problem is, here, that a thought can exist on the head of a pin. Let's say that all the thought that went into the Encyclopedia Britannica, so far as shape and size is concerned, as thought is concerned (thought itself, not words written on a page), you could put it all on the head of a pin. In other words, it's just symbolizing for you a zero. Or you could take the thought, just this one small thought "cat" (you think "cat"), and that thought could be as big as this universe or all the island galaxies. You see, it just doesn't matter, then. It's that big or it's that tiny. All that thought can be that tiny or that little thought can be that big. These are interchangeable.

(end of Part II)


Everybody got that?

Wha?

You know, The big circle could stand for the universe, perfection, completion or the continuation of time after the end of time.

Except for the bullshit about symbols and 3 parts of beingness, I think that's the most lucid thing LRH has ever written.

The Affirmation for May 18, 2005

Still waiting on the new mag, so let's keep listening in to L. Ron's speechifying...

BEINGNESS Part III
by L. Ron Hubbard

In Advanced Procedure and Axioms we talk about the state of beingness, the prime thought. That prime thought is "to be". That prime thought is infinity, because when a person decides to be everything he could be, he is of course deciding to be infinity. That is the most he could decide to be. So there he is, clear up to the top of the Tone Scale - infinity. That is ultimate beingness. What does it mean? That means that he would be not only himself but could be or would be everything. That's an ultimate in beingness.

Now at the bottom you could have a prime thought of not-beingness. How "not-being" can a person not-be? Zero. So you have the two possible decisions in the business of living: infinity or zero.

Fortunately, most of us exist somewhere on a gradient scale. From 0.0 up we decide on just a little more and a little more and a little more beingness, until at last we have decided to be quite a bit - at least ourselves. Then up we go a little higher along the dynamics. When we have gone out on all the dynamics and have at least developed the capability of being all the dynamics, we have arrived at ultimate beingness. Of course, you get to the beingness of infinity, it could just as well be zero, because when you are that high on the Tone Scale, you could simply decide. So, it would be one or the other.

Gradient scale of beingness. Now perhaps you understand a little bit better what is meant, then, by this zero and infinity. Perhaps you understand a little bit more what is meant by "to be". This is quite important. Just to say "to be" is to utter only a verb.

We are not addicted to uttering undefinables if we can possibly avoid it. So let us examine what we call the dynamics in this business of beingness.

(end of Part III)


Scientology Bonus Section - STATING THE OBVIOUS:

"We are not addicted to uttering undefinables if we can possibly avoid it."

None. None more not-being.

The Affirmation for May 25, 2005

BEINGNESS Part IV
by L. Ron Hubbard

There are eight dynamics. Dynamic one - as far as beingness is concerned - would be to be oneself.

Now, you understand that you have in all existing volumes before this date the eight dynamics described in terms of survival. I'll give you that difference in a moment with what I am telling you now.

There's the beingness of one, and that's a great deal different than the survival of one. There's the beingness of one, of yourself.

Then there's the beingness of the second dynamic, the beingness in the sphere of creation, children, future, or (and get this one) illusions. That's the second dynamic. Illusion comes in there. Frank Lloyd Wright* down here building a town is just creating an illusion by that definition - that's what I mean by an illusion. Constructive line comes on the second dynamic.

Now we take a third, the beingness of a group. Around here, the people who are here have begun to experience, to a very large measure, this beingness of a group. A group becomes its own life and each one becomes the life of the group. Anyone could detach himself from the life of the group and you'd still have a life of the group. Even if all the members of a group disappeared, there would still be a record of an existing group. It's very interesting. It's almost mystic, but it becomes very unmystic when you experience it. It becomes as solid as this platform.

Now there the fourth. That is the beingness as a species - one single species. I won't say man with this new definition of the dynamics. I don't mean just man. I mean the species to which one belongs. Fortunately, many can expect to get out of the rut of being a Homo sapiens**. I say that brutally because Homo sapiens today isn't doing so well. I'd hate to think of a dynamic being devoted wholly to Homo sapiens as he acts.

Five would be all life.

Six would be the MEST universe - the material universe. Remember, in each case it's the beingness of it.

Seven is the beingness of all thought, any thought.

The eighth dynamic is merely an infinity turned on its side; eight turned on its side gives you an infinity. So you have there "beingness of all." Most creeds, and so forth, when they say "beingness of all", they codify this and they say God, and then they put God up in armor or something, put him on a pedestal and reduce him down to a very finite affair. They're very quick to depart from that infinity. Let's not confuse a religious symbol for an infinity of the eighth dynamic because the infinity of the eighth dynamic simply means, in our terminology here, the "beingness of all." It has no other codification. It doesn't say that all is good, bad, or indifferent; it just says it's all. You say an infinity of beingness.

There are the eight dynamics!
(end of Part IV)


Scientology Bonus Section - Fun Footnotes!

* Frank Lloyd Wright: an influential modern American architect.

** Homo sapiens: a MEST body of the race of man with a theta being to guide it to become a concept known as homo sapiens.

I don't know how to understand that.

FINALLY, after three months, the fuckers sent out another mag. I tell ya, if I had paid for this subscription - or even requested it - I'd be angrier than a hive of CMJ subscribers.

The Affirmation for August 31, 2005

An Exterior Viewpoint

Some years ago when I used to go in for bicycle racing, I was cycling down a hill at around 30 mph. Halfway down the hill the traffic lights were showing green. As I reached the lights, a car approached from the opposite direction and, instead of stopping to allow me through, he turned right in front of me.

I thought, "This is it - I'm going to hit the car!"

Amazingly I moved the bike out of the way of the car, and not only that, I didn't even fall off it! At that speed the manoeuvre was impossible, but - I went exterior and moved the bike and my body out of the way.

G. R.

Scientology Phrase of the Day:

Go exterior - apparently defined as "learning how to steer".

I for one have missed it. I was just trying to explain these cracked-ass "revelations" to my gf the other day during a discussion we were having about Scientology.

Thank you for resurrecting this thread, I needed a good laugh.

on a side note, with the beginning of classes here in boston comes the annual recruitment sessions by the kids in front of the virgin megastore with their three tables of "stress test machines" and a dozen copies of dianetics each.

i just have to laugh.

The Affirmation for September 26, 2005

The Magic Ring

A friend came up to me and said, "When did you last see your ring?" I quickly looked and saw it was gone from my hand where I wore it with two other rings. "Well," I said, "Have you found it? I didn't know I had lost it!"

He replied, "I was driving the Jag through the forest this morning when I noticed a noise in the engine and stopped to check it out. As you know, I drive there everyday, 14 miles there, 14 miles back, and I've never stopped before on this forest road for any reason.

"I got out of the car to check the engine and on the road I found your ring. (Wow - was this possible?) I knew it was your ring because I'd noticed it before, so I picked it up off the side of the road and here it is."

This was incredible. It was some miracle of ARC with him - he's a good friend - and the ring. (Incidentally, there was nothing wrong with the car.)

Later I pieced together what must have occurred. I had driven that road with the ring on, one night earlier. I recalled the ring being tight and while driving I had put it on to a smaller finger. Not much attention on it.

It was hot and later in the journey I had wound down the window and the ring must have slipped off.

Anyway, it's a miracle! I like the look of this ring even more now, and the ARC is still high with my friend who found it, even though he is now 8,000 miles away.

R. D. L.

Scientology Acronym of the Day:

ARC - apparently meaning Alibi for Returned Contraband. For example: a thief steals a friend's ring, then feels remorse, and then returns it with a story that illogically explains its disappearance (or, in other words, an ARC), then quickly flees 8,000 miles away before all the other stolen merchandise is discovered.

Nice. That was one of the better ones.



wtf

I thought he was jacking off.

I suspect it's a euphemism for having sex with his unshaven wife.

Pretty good article about Scientology in general and Tom Cruise in specific in some magagine that the gf picked up called Radar.

These people are seriously mentally ill.....

Edit:Way too short EXCERPT

went to watch football at this guy's house last weekend - seemed like an ok, if slightly strange guy...on the way out I see all these red binders labeled Scientology Technical Memos or something...a shit load of 'em and a bunch of other books. it made me think of Radcliffe.

I hope it also made you think of a good excuse about why you can't make it over for the next game, rodney.

Good stuff, Rads. You can't make this stuff up, but L Ron Hoover can, I guess.

well it was a friend of a friend of a friend living in the bay area so doubtful. just makes me wonder how people get into scientology...he did sense that i wanted another beer one time and before I could say anything he handed it to me...his OT's must be have been working OT that day.

The Affirmation for September 28, 2005

ONE GUESS ONLY

I was at a family party last Christmas and we were playing the game where each person has the name of a famous personality pinned on his back, and you have to ask questions to find out "who". My brother-in-law put a name on my back and straight away I got a picture of who it was. I asked one question, which was a significant feature of this personality, and then said the name. My sister was amazed. She said, "How could you know that?" But this was after OT III!

S. T.

Scientology Factoid of the Day:

Fuckers still celebrate Christmas?

this is the most retarded one yet. stunning.